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Ricky Gervais‘ fiktive Oscarrede

Ricky GervaisRicky Gervais ist 80 Millionen Dollar wert, was zumindest sein Agent behauptet, und einen eindrucksvollen Beweis für diese Summe liefert eine von ihm für James Franco und Anne Hathaway verfasste Eröffnungsrede, die sie doch bitteschön genau so bei den Oscars am Sonntag aufsagen sollen.

Wir erinnern uns: Ricky Gervais hat die Golden Globes moderiert, was bei einigen Leuten jetzt nicht sooo gut ankam. Frei nach dem Motto „ist der Ruf erst ruiniert, lebt sich’s gänzlich ungeniert“, legt er nun nochmal nach und stellt damit endgültig sicher, dass a) sein Marktwert tatsächlich so hoch ist und b) er endgültig nie wieder eine Filmgala in Hollywood moderieren wird.

Their pain our gain, und dabei mal wieder so auf den Punkt, dass zumindest ich mehrmals laut wiehern durfte. Mr. Frischkäse, der Oscar in der Kategorie „erwachsene Männer, die sich wie verrotzte Lausebengel aufführen“ geht an SIE!

And now, ladies & gentlemen, das komplette Script der Rede:

    (Drum roll)

    V.O.
    Ladies and Gentlemen.
    Please welcome your hosts for this evening…
    James Franco and Anne Hathaway

    (Music and applause)
    (James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)

    JF
    Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards,
    Live from Los Angeles.

    AH
    That’s foreign for City of Angels.
    And this room is certainly filled will those angels.

    (Applause)

    JF
    Thank you. I’m James Franco.

    AH
    …and I’m Anne Hathaway.

    JF
    You probably know me from 127 HOURS where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

    AH
    And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

    JF
    It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

    JF
    Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

    AH
    No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

    JF
    Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of THE OFFICE.

    AH
    But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…

    (Nervous laughter)

    He’s doing some charity work.
    Yeah, he’s visiting orphans with cancer.
    He’s telling them what bald little losers they are…

    JF
    Yeah, cos he’s rude right?

    (Applause)

    Thank you.
    No rudeness tonight.
    It’s going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.

    (Applause)

    That’s not to say that we don’t care. No, apart from all the great movies we made this year we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.

    AH
    Yeah and Yoko Ono said. “What’s wrong with that?”

    (Laughter)

    JF
    Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way.

    (Nodding and smiling)

    That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity.

    (Murmurs of agreement)

    Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,”Yes and my dentist hasn’t seen a penny.”

    AH
    Yeah, why doesn’t he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

    JF
    It’s a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn’t have botox or suck up to important producers – there’s something wrong with him.

    AH
    There must be. Why isn’t the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

    JF
    That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

    AH
    Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that’s better than being fat right?

    JF
    You bet it is gorgeous.

    AH
    You are so handsome.

    JF
    Exactly.
    You know Ricky Gervais used to be bulimic.

    AH
    Really?

    JF
    Yes. He’d often gorge himself for hours with cheese and cakes.

    AH
    And then vomit right?

    JF
    No he left that bit out…

    (Mild laughter)

    AH
    That’s because he couldn’t get his fat fucking fingers in his stupid mouth.

    (Big laugh)

    JF
    Anyway let’s get this show on the road.
    There were some great kids’ movies this year.
    I took a five year old to see TOY STORY 3 last week.

    AH
    Did you enjoy it?

    JF
    No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”

    (Laughter)

    AH
    Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.

    JF
    Absolutely.
    So let’s get this show on the road.
    Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss…
    The wonderful…
    Mel Gibson…

    (Standing ovation)

    And so on…

Hinterlasse eine Antwort

Autor:
Martin Beck
Niemals krank, weint heimlich, schläft ruhig.



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